When something consumes you, it’s crippling. Nothing else matters except for whatever you can’t get out of your head. You’ll stare at your computer at work for hours, dreaming of something else. You feel stuck because you can’t change the situation.
You want it too much.
My entire life, I’ve wanted things too much. Sometimes this drive is beneficial because it pushes me, but more often it’s maddening. It’s almost as if my brain believes enough focus will make it happen, like it’s a wizard or something. You would think my brain would learn after 24 years as a muggle, we can’t do that.
It all begins with an idea. A chance encounter. A seemingly mundane happening. Before I can stop it, this spark lashes out into a wildfire threatening to burn down every shred of reason I try to use as extinguisher. I can feel it coursing through my veins, making me feel terrifyingly electric.
I become fixated and obsessed, allowing my thoughts to stray to the interest more often than not. I slip into conversations. I imagine scenarios with this person or idea. I can feel myself growing crazier by the minute.
Sometimes, it involves a life change, like the idea of moving. As soon as I feel it, my life is centered around making it happen. Where I am seems unbearable, like I’m wasting my time in this place.
Other times, it’s a boy. Nothing goes from something to everything before I can remind myself to breathe and take a step back. It always begins slowly, before the eagerness sets in. We meet, I’m hesitant. When it’s too late, I recognize I want it and then you’re gone. I think because we would work together, we should.
It comes in cycles. Cycles that go round, but take me nowhere. I remain who I am and where I am, bracing for the next whirlwind to consume me.
On some level, I realize this. Occasionally I can comprehend what’s happening and I let the fever rage until it passes. It’s like going through withdrawal. I want to think about it. Talk about it. Dream about it. But I can’t. I shut down all thoughts until they stop happening, recognizing it’s temporary. Eventually I even out and dive back into my real life.
The worst is when they linger. You can live day to day without the knocking on your brain, but you know it’s on the other side of the door waiting to burst through and wreck you again.
Despite all of this, the craziness and the inability to see real life, the problem is something different. How do I know if it’s good when I want something? I’m always the one who wants more and so far nothing has wanted me back. How will I know if it’s something I should pursue or wait out the cycle? Will I ever understand if something is real or a creation in my imagination?
This is my problem and fear. I’ve become numb to the passion of a moment because overdrive will kick in before the real and rational Chelsea can allow it to process. I pray God allows me to see when it is something real. I trust He will.
I’m here now, by the way. Fighting my way through two things that demand my every thought. In this case, I know one is right I’m working with everything I have to make it happen. As far as the other, I’m clueless. Is it worth pursuing or am I losing my mind? Who’s to know.