But what if I actually trusted God?

I spend too much time in the land of make believe. As long as I can remember, I’ve been escaping reality into these elaborate fantasies in my head where the most impossible dream can come true.

Most of the time I just look silly talking to myself while imagining this different life.

We live in a world that encourages dreams with an asterisk. We tell you you can be anything, but remember the likelihood of success is slim. Follow your heart, but most people who can sing don’t become famous. Try to open that business, but don’t forget how many bad years you will have and the economy isn’t great. Marry the love of your life, but you’re young and it probably won’t work. We like your dreams to be reasonable and immediately look down upon others who encourage the fantastical.

But what if it didn’t have to be this way?

Our current series at church is Wonderstruck: Recapturing the Awe of God. I get wonderstruck a lot, especially when seeing God’s creation. An old Stellar Kart lyric perfectly describes my feelings pretty much any time I see nature: All around me Your creation brings me to my knees in adoration. But I’ve never thought about it from the perspective of my dreams. In awe of creation, sure, but in awe of what God inspires in my heart? Sometimes a little harder to grasp.

I’ve always loved stories. When I would play with toys as a child, everyone had a backstory. I wanted to be an actress so I had the chance to tell stories like the people in movies. I love reading because I could immerse myself in a different world and feel like I was a part of something bigger.

Because of this, I dream a lot of things. My brain exists with two streams of thought – what is actually happening and this imaginary world that is constantly evolving depending on my mood or passion of the day. The logical side allows me to face the day and function like a human being while the other side just runs wild with imagination.

I think about all the places I’d like to see and all the visits to Harry Potter world I want to make. I envision a time where my dad gets better and we can be in each other’s lives again. I fantasize about a man who will love me for every part of me, good and bad, and talking about how we fell in love. I contemplate what powers I would have if the Avengers ever invited me to join their ranks.

Mostly I dream about being a writer.

When I was younger, I wanted to write to be like the authors I loved so much. Mainly I wanted to write dramatic things I didn’t know anything about. For example, an early novel I started under the age of 10 involved a blind dog that ran into walls and a car accident that left a mother with like 300 broken bones. Maximum drama, see?

As I got older, the dream evolved. I felt a need to write. Most of time, I let laziness win and didn’t pursue it, but the thought always lingered in the back of my mind. It’s not odd, really, because my parents both write and my sister actually is a writer, so it’s kind of a family trait. But with two talented parents and a sister with a degree in writing, I felt wrong. It wasn’t for me.

Starting this site was terrifying, but I couldn’t deny the calling from God anymore. He gave me words and something to say. I’m not saying it’s to reach the masses and profit and churn out book after book, but it’s for a reason. What I want is to reach one person. Let them know they are loved. Let them know it’s ok and they aren’t alone.

I dream about being a writer but lack the drive to actually make it happen, mostly because I let the doubt fill my brain more than God’s promises. ‘Anything is possible for him who believes’ and yet I act like what I do has no future. God gave me this desire and dreams with me, yet I doubt. Why am I not asking ‘what if I put the effort in and listen to God?’ What if I let go of all my fears and trusted in the future that is orchestrated by the One who loves me? What if I stood in awe of God’s plan and stopped fighting myself?

Every detail of my life has worked out according to His purpose and I see His hand in all I do. Everything I try to do on my own fails, but with God whom shall I fear? Trolls of the Internet? I think I’ll take my chances.

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