Sometimes there’s no worse feeling than being 25 years old and allowing the presence of another human to debilitate you. Why can’t your brain feed you images of your strength and independence and not of past rejection? Why won’t I man up and say, ‘nah, you can’t have this effect on me.
I really need to have a playlist ready in my head for these encounters, featuring Stronger by B. Spears, Independent Women by Destiny’s Child and Single Ladies by Queen Bey. Will note for next time.
While frantically texting everyone who’s vaguely aware of my situation, the reality occurred to me. He makes me feel weird. Every time we see each other, he looks away too. He doesn’t try to say hi or even spare a head nod. We just act like the other doesn’t exist.
Because of where I was when our history unfolded, I felt less than him. When the rejection occurred, I blamed myself and where I was. I thought he was too good for me. Everything about me seemed wrong, like maybe I didn’t love God enough or maybe I was too fat. We all know these as the thoughts that keep us up at night when we think of how we could’ve saved a situation.
Instead of things blossoming like I hoped, I became a secret. Sure, making out and then seeing each other socially is kind of fun when you’re young and pretending like you aren’t emotionally attached. When everything ended, I remained a secret until it surfaced my last night out in college. This thing I had built up and torn myself apart over became nothing more than a funny story to share at the bar.
Three years later and I’m still the dirty little secret.
Anytime you let someone’s feelings dictate how you behave, you sacrifice a bit of yourself. Allowing someone to make you feel inferior only pushes you to that place. Every time I panic when I see him, I’m allowing this perception to rule me, haunt me and remind me why everything is my fault.
In the last few years, I kept digging myself closer to rock bottom after college until about a year out I hit the stone that got my life back on track. I recognized I was running from the person I was by trying to be someone I thought was cooler. I began to let God’s opinion affect me instead of what a guy might think. I found my worth again in God and learned to love every part of myself, good and terrifying.Yet I let a chance run-in slam the wall of my self-esteem. Fortunately, God has my back.
Before I could spiral into my pit of sadness, I felt him reminding me of where I was. I had the support of my friends saying all the right words to make me realize I am great and one opinion doesn’t change that.
I am not someone’s weird mistake. I am God’s wonderful creation.
Who cares what happened three years ago? Three years is a lifetime when you begin to grow up. Three years is enough to realize you’re on a bad path and find the right one before it’s too late. It’s enough time to thrive.
To all my ladies (and guys, no sexism here), don’t let that person affect you. You are a beautiful, unique unicorn designed by a God who dreamt you up and knit you together in your mother’s womb. The same God who knows every hair on your head and cares for you, whether you’re struggling with a major illness or reeling from a chance encounter. To Him, you are enough. I mean, He died for you, and you definitely didn’t deserve that. Find your worth in the God who won’t leave you because you couldn’t meet a standard, but will continually pursue you as His true love until you feel a piece of the depth of His passion for you.
You are the greatest person alive.