Last night I sleep drunkenly posted about my Christmas tree. And by ‘sleep drunkenly’ I mean I was so tired it was like I was blacking out as I wrote. I reread it today and thankfully most of it made sense. I remember thinking it was what I wanted to talk about earlier in the day, but clearly I waited too long and didn’t develop the idea clearly.
At least I wrote, right?
I decided I wanted to try and write everyday instead of getting trapped in my head. I count yesterday as a victory because even if it was babbling about peace around a Christmas tree, it was something.
Today my makeup was boss and I felt super confident. I also realized I’ve been posting a lot about the election this week and maybe it was too much, but then it occurred to me this is an important battle. I thought the Christian approach was to quiet down, but a tweet reminded me that the Bible isn’t filled with people bowing to the rule of the land if it contradicts what they believe. I don’t plan to violently riot or hate, but I will keep fighting for what is right. Maybe I will expand on this later.
Back to looking good.
Every day I spend probably at least an hour sitting at my desk and applying makeup. I stare at my collection and wonder what the day will bring. It is like becoming myself and I cherish every moment. I can get ready faster, don’t get me wrong, but I purposely carve out time to give myself ample time to simply be and become myself.
Most days, my makeup looks good. This is simply a fact in case it sounds arrogant. I’m not great though. I work at Sephora so I see great every day from my amazing coworkers. Some days, I reach great, or what feels like great to me. I feel unstoppable and like anything is possible. All problems melt away because my brows are on fleek and my glow is poppin’
I should delete that paragraph but I’m not.
All day I’ve felt good, despite the circumstances of my life. Now I’m watching How to Be Single and like amped up on my singleness. I want to move to New York City and see what life holds for me there.
This is what I do though. I’m looking for the next adventure that will start my life. I want the diet and exercise plan that will get me looking like all the women I see in the movies so I can begin the next phase. Maybe it’s the right style or makeup or group of friends. The point is I’m always looking for something else. With no money to find something else.
Eventually, when the something else doesn’t happen, I lose focus. I get tired of waiting. I want to grow my hair out but I cut it because I’m frustrated. I need to pay off my credit cards but I’m sick of not having what I want now. This is simply the story of my existence.
I know if I want this to change, I need to change. I will not get out of debt if I keep charging things. I will not grow my hair if I keep cutting it. I will not be healthy if I think two pack of a PopTarts a day are acceptable.
There are a thousand things I need to change, like most people, but I can’t think about every step. I can only think about the next step in front of me. I started by taking all my credit cards out of my wallet and trusting God (also by being a better steward of my money and actually saying no to myself).
I’m also aware I do need some longterm goals. Right now this is my future plan: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Realistically, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’ve said goodbye to a career in communications I thought I wanted and now I’m left with a job I love at Sephora and a job that pays my bills doing marketing. But I know it cannot last forever. Instead of trying to create a plan for every step of even my career, I will start basic:
- Keep writing
- Keep getting closer to God
- Pay off credit cards
- Find place to live so I can be independent
- Be independent
- Follow God’s plan one day at a time
Ok. I know it’s simple. But I don’t get to see the big picture; that’s God’s job. I will simply listen to it daily and trust where it goes.
This is day 1. Kind of.