Do you ever do something really stupid, like go to someone’s profile you shouldn’t, see a picture you don’t like, and then proceed to read all the comments? You can’t even argue it seems like a good idea at the time. You know it’s a terrible idea. Yet on you scroll.
What are we expecting to find? Perhaps that picture of him with someone else is secretly a love call to you and you just have to find the proof. Maybe it’s not that radical. Maybe it’s as simple as you need to learn it’s his or her cousin so you can move on with your life.
And by move on, I of course mean continue to obsess over someone who may or may not even know of your interest and/or existence.
Usually, though, it’s not a cousin and suddenly all your hopes and dreams are dashed. I’ve found that usually it’s a picture on a beach. If they’re on a beach together, especially if it’s a piggy back situation, you’re probably going to be disappointed.
It feels like everything inside of you sinks. I can’t think of a better way to describe it. It’s like there’s this weight of hope you’ve been holding at the top of yourself and suddenly it falls through you. It rests in the pit of your stomach and begins feeding you lies.
For me, the line is usually ‘of course he’d be with someone like her. Look at her long hair and normal sized forehead. Your hair looks crazy in the wind like you have a skullet. You’re probably too heavy to be lifted up like that. She’s wearing an appropriate amount of blush.’ Etc.
Then it can spiral even worse. Even though you didn’t really have a connection to this person, you just feel disconnected. Like your one hope is gone and now you’re left alone. The good news is you know alone, it’s all you know.
Writing this makes me feel pathetic because yeah, this just happened. And here I am whining with my words about another boy who barely knew I existed living a happy life. It’s not like we had anything or he’s my ex. He’s just a boy and I just had a crush.
I can remove myself from the situation and realize this doesn’t actually affect my life. I don’t really care about him. It’s just the idea of him that I like. Having an idea is better than having nothing, I guess. But now I can’t pretend in my head like this is a real possibility.
I guess I’m just tired of being alone and without an idea, it feels like this will be my permanent state of being.
But you know what? Screw that.
I’ve been boyfriend-less for basically a decade, but it’s been a great 10 years. I’ve had some hangs but looking back they were all idiots. Literally. I don’t have one good guy on my roster. That’s what happens when you worry about being alone and let any jerk into your life.
The past 10 years were exceptional because they weren’t about dating. I didn’t devote my life to finding these fools; I just let them in when they stumbled in my general area. Instead I devoted that time to my family, Sam (it isn’t fair to say friends in general), myself, and my faith. And you know what? I really like who I am.
How is this relevant? I like who I am and I don’t need someone else to validate this person. If I never meet someone, I’m going to be okay. I’m happy for other people when they find love in a very sincere way. I’m not bitter. I’m brave.
Is it weird to call yourself brave? Ugh.
As far as the idea goes, a person becomes an idea because you feel you have a lack of options. You cling to this one guy or girl because you need someone to pin your hopes on. Let’s get our hopes up for something real and good, not something largely made up in our heads.
Instead of allowing one person to be responsible for our happiness let’s remember that anything could happen, because anything happens all the time.
Now I’m going to continue my day while listening to Anything Could Happen by Ellie Goulding on repeat. It’s such a bop. Next time you discover your crush is in a new relationship, don’t let the sinking feeling keep you down. Turn Anything Could Happen up loud and remind yourself that their happiness does not mean the end of yours.
Anything is about to happen to you.